October 2011
Spring: what a beautiful bounty given to us by nature.
The trees, after their long winter sleep, are starting to present themselves to the world in all their leafy glory.
The flowers are almost ready to accept the bees and the grass needs cutting again.
Ah well, it can't all be good.
When it comes to lawn mowing I have learned a great lesson. I get out the mower, I put on boots, gloves, earmuffs and goggles.
Then I get someone else to do it.
When I asked my mate Unfortunate O'day where we'd be without the springs, he answered unhesitatingly "In a very uncomfortable bed."
The first day of spring is a significant day in our house. On the first day of spring, all the heavy blankets are taken off the beds and packed away. By the third day of spring you want them back on again.
But no. "It's spring," insists the Leader of the Opposition. In our house even the weather has to do what it is told.
"I need another blanket, I'm cold."
"It's all in your mind" replies the Leader of the Opposition. Maybe it starts in my mind, but it's already reached my knees.
I did ask her what comes to mind with the arrival of spring, apart from the folding of blankets.
She answered,"the telephone company."
"The telephone company. The telephone company." I said it twice so she would know I was listening.
She then explained a truth to me I had never been aware of.
You call the telephone company and what do you get? "Good morning, I'm Joyce.
How can I help you?"
"I want the complaints department."
Joyce should know by now that it's the only reason we call them.
Then in the sweetest voice Joyce says: "Hold the line, I'm putting you through now.
"Then comes the music.
It's "Spring" from Vivaldi's Four Seasons.
You get to listen to that for twelve minutes and the sweet voice of Joyce says: "Thanks for holding."
Then it's back to the music.
When I listen to Vivaldi on the phone I get very philosophical thoughts, such as.
How does an obscene caller know when he gets a wrong number?
I know a fellow who makes obscene phone calls to Jehovah Wittnesses and says "Blood transfusions, blood transfusions."
I must admit the illogical logic of the Leader of the Opposition astounds me.
We went with the Apprentice Leader of the Opposition to a horse gymkhana at her school.
The Leader of the Opposition was invited to act as a marshall.
It was her job to see that all the horses turned up on to to their correct venue. It was the first time I ever heard anyone holler at a marshall.
She let two geldings into a class of mares. They may have been geldings, but they never forget.
"I didn't know," she said, "They didn't give me their names as they entered. I didn't know I had to check underneath."
So there I was lying in bed in the feotal position, hoping to garner some heat from the little bit of me that had some warmth in it.
Finally I fell asleep. I passed out is more like it. I believe I fell into a coma because of hypothermia.
I had a dream that our bowling club closed down because not enough of us used it.
When I awoke it was to a nightmare.
It was true. Our bowling club will close because we don't use it. So we should all spring into action and save our club.
Well, there we are, back to spring again.
Sean Kramer