December 2011
The horror, the horror.
I'm living in the heart of darkness.
What with the Apprentice Leader of the Opposition being in possession of L Plates and a desire to drive everywhere.
When she reaches for the car keys I reach for my rosary beads.
Trying to keep a calm demeanour on the outside while inside is in absolute turmoil.
I thought I had severe toothache but it was cardiac arrest, because my heart was in my mouth at the time.
My poor car. There's a hole in the floor from me pressing on the non existent brake pedal.
The first thing she does on preparing to drive is set the mirrors.
But only to check that her hair is perfect.
She has learned a great deal from the Leader of the Opposition.
I have a sore throat from shouting: "Slow down, slow down."
"Of course," she replies, "but can I get out of the driveway first."
I give her a lot of encouragement. "You're driving very well." "How would you know, you have your eyes closed."
I admired her aplomb at the first roundabout.
She handled it beautifully, in a left hand drive kind of way.
She was unfazed, unlike the drivers coming towards us.
She handled the second one better.
She drove straight over it.
After l0 hours of driving, I have one wish.
I wish someone would steal the car.
I feel that if given the choice of being a driving instructor in this district or being a cab driver in Afganistan, the cabbies job would be less stressful.
Cars aint what they used to be.
My first car was owned by a little old lady who only drove it to visit her grandchildren, in Tibet.
It was an old car but it had a lot of accessories, including a fellow who walked in front with a flag.
That's not true.
The fellow had long ago retired but he left the flag.
I remember telling my mate Unfortunate O'Day about a car I bought for $50.
I got it cheap because it had no doors.
Unfortunate looked at me, "A car with no doors."
There followed a long pause. "how could you get in."
Well this is it for the year.
The next project is the pantomime, Alladin.
I hope that the KV hall will be packed for both shows on the l7th December, because the pre-school needs lots of financial suppport.
So, please turn up. I might even go myself.
Happy Christmas to all and a great new year.
I hope we can do it all again next year.
That is, if the Apprentice Leader of the Opposition gets someone else to drive with her.
Sean Kramer